Read time: 12 mins
In most of our interactions, we are probably trying to persuade someone of something. Sometimes it’s a friendly tiff with our friends, sometimes it’s trying to pry a refund out of customer support, sometimes it’s trying to convince a bouncer that your mate’s fine.
Whether we’re hoping to sell a particular idea or simply trying to forge an easier path through the world, knowing some sales tips can make a huge difference.
This series is designed to look at some of the key ideas that sales people are taught, along with wisdom from other areas such as hostage negotiation and relationship counselling that might help turn the tables slightly during those moments where a little persuasion can go a long way.
The angel’s cocktail and the devil’s cocktail
What’s your immediate reaction when someone orders you to do something?
Please F**k Off.
This can be the reaction even if the thing that you’re being told to do is genuinely for your own good.
Luckily there are some good ways to deliver negative information without triggering this explosive rejection and it is born from the very roots of our ability to communicate. In business or with friends, knowing how to deliver bad news can provide a route to more effective communication and help you to be heard while limiting the emotional toll on both you and your counterpart.
Storytelling
Language started to develop around 90,000 years ago. To survive in the wild, our ancestors needed ways to learn from each other that went beyond simple observation / deduction. Watching your dearly beloved eat a death cap mushroom and immediately keel over wasn’t an ideal way to learn that death cap mushrooms shouldn’t be eaten. We needed a better way.
So, in a world devoid of YouTube or For Dummies guides, humans eventually started to tell each other stories. Stories like “there’s food here” or “don’t eat that mushroom” helped humans conquer the world.
These stories would evolve into the tropes and themes that still dominate the media that we humans consume today. Stories of heroism, romance and coming of age are favourites. Lesser favourites include Health and Safety seminars and the pre-holiday “what to do if your plane crashes” chat.
What do stories do to you?
A good story controls how you think. It does this by ensuring that the right emotions, subject to the right hormones, are surging through your bloodstream at the right moment. Depending on the content of the story, there are likely to be one of two hormonal cocktails coursing through your veins:
The Angel’s cocktail:
- Made up primarily of dopamine and oxytocin.
- Encourages feelings of open-mindedness, generosity and trust
- Improves recall, curiosity, focus and attention
Simply put, you are more likely to accept, engage with and remember something when you are imbued with the Angel’s cocktail.
The other is the Devil’s cocktail:
- Made up primarily of cortisol and adrenaline
- Increases feelings of agitation and intolerance
- Inhibits concentration and focus
- Reduces recall
Put simply, you are less likely to engage, remember or like the person or problem when you are dealing with the Devil’s cocktail.
Application in the real world
When you’re about to have a difficult conversation about something challenging, it’s important to think about the type of cocktail that you want to evoke while you’re planning your strategy.
Dopamine
How can you inspire the release of dopamine and increase focus, attention and open mindedness in your counterpart?
The best way to increase dopamine levels in someone is to make them laugh, but it can also be done by creating suspense in your message, building rapport and connecting with the other person’s interests. Controlling the way you speak can help here. Building variety into the structure of your message can help capture and keep attention. Silence is powerful too.
A great example of this is prosody. Prosody is the name for the elements of speech that make some actors so captivating. The intonation, stress and rhythm of their speech make some individuals unforgettable. Christopher Walken, actor and ex-tap dancer, could do a speech about his favourite pen, and it would likely be enjoyable. Why? Because his rendition would increase the levels of dopamine.
Christopher Walken reads 3 Little Pigs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4IrfObVzJo&t=28s
Oxytocin
How can you build levels of oxytocin and increase the trust and generosity of the other party? Being honest, genuine and vulnerable tend to evoke this element of the cocktail. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should lay all the cards on the table, but people appreciate knowing how and why something bad has happened.
The FBI negotiator turned author Chris Voss uses a technique called an accusation audit to help make these conversations go more smoothly. He presupposes all the terrible things that the other party could say about him off the back of the bad news he’s about to impart, and before the discussions begin in earnest, he runs through them one by one:
- “You are going to think we are taking advantage of the situation”
- “You have a lot of experience and this will seem more rushed than you’re used to”
- “You’re going to think we are trying to push you out as a smaller business”
This is known as “taking the sting out” and is used by almost all of us in one form or another when talking to friends (“sorry if this sounds harsh, but…”). This inspires the release of oxytocin by encouraging empathy which, in turn, increases feelings of trust and generosity which will help smooth the conversation.
Avoiding the Devil’s cocktail
While it’s important to encourage and boost the levels of focus and trust throughout the conversation, it’s also essential to avoid panic. There is no point in trying to make someone laugh if they feel like their house if on fire. They will not listen. Their only focus will be how to get out of the house.
When a mistake has been made, a powerful (and yet surprisingly rare) thing to do is to own the mistake. Immediate ownership, accountability and control of a mistake will reduce tension. There may still be stress, depending on the gravity of the error, but there will be less stress if you can demonstrate that you know something has gone wrong, how and why it happened and a plan about how you’re going to fix it.
Telling a story rather than just cutting straight to the issue can radically change the outcome of the conversation. The story flips the person into a mode that has been engrained in them over thousands of years, it helps to slow the pace of the conversation, encourages curiosity, humanises you and gives you an opportunity to diffuse the stressful points one by one. If used in the right way, this can also give you chances to increase the levels of dopamine and oxytocin – increasing focus, trust and generosity along the way.
Chris Voss also talks about his late night DJ voice – a calm, deep and soothing way of talking that is designed to reassure. This is particularly effective if someone is shouting at you – the contrast will feel jarring and encourage them to mirror your energy.
Another tip to avoid stress is to guide the conversation away from the rocks with something called an Up-front agreement. This sets out the agenda and helps you keep on track. It also gives the other person a chance to get their bearings, ask any questions, ensure they are comfortable and know what to expect. This lessens the chance that you’ll end up shocking your audience.
Typically, an upfront agreement will follow this structure:
- Summary
- Agenda for call
- Define roles
- Define outcomes
Here’s an example of an upfront agreement:
“So, we’ve been talking for months about how this product can help BPM industries with your problem.
We’ve spoken about the functions it will bring, potential benefits, returns and threats as well as why you’re in the market in the first place. It feels like we are reaching a natural conclusion with one final point to address which is the cost.
I’ve put together some pricing and different options which I’d like to take you through. Your job is to listen and let me know your thoughts and be comfortable talking through red lines or areas we could discuss more.
By the end of the meeting, I’d like us to reach a point where we know whether we want to move forwards or otherwise. If it looks good, we’ll run through next steps. Does that work for you?”
If you can avoid surprises and shocks then it is likely that the conversation will be less stressful and the audience will be more trusting and cooperative.
Conclusion
Being mindful of the emotions of the other person during a challenging conversation can make the difference between progress and pain.
Encouraging the release of oxytocin and dopamine (the angel’s cocktail) will increase levels of trust and focus. Make people laugh, vary your tone, rhythm and structure (aka your prosody) and be honest.
Reducing stress will lessen the levels of cortisol and adrenaline (the devil’s cocktail) in the other person. Lower levels will help reduce intolerance and narrow mindedness. Telling a story, keeping your tone soft and reassuring and planning a structure for your conversation or meeting are all techniques that help reduce levels of anxiety.
Ultimately, no one likes having a stressful, panicky conversation. More importantly, conversations like this are rarely successful. Managing the emotions of both parties are a sure fire way to have better conversations and greater success in the long run.
Some of the ideas are based on the work of David JP Phillips, a coach and public speaker with a brilliant TED talk on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj-hdQMa3uA
Chris Voss’ book, Never Split The Difference: Negotiate As If Your Life Depended On It gives a fascinating, soft skills approach to persuasion, infused with some exciting FBI drama: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/1847941494/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=never+split+the+difference&qid=1630337781&sr=8-1
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